In the dark cold nights, I try to scare you. I keep you surrounded with images of the dead. Cause one day you will be one of them. And I’ll show you all the pain you might surrender. I’ll show you the ways I will kill you in the days you are still out here. Of course, I am total fiction, but I’ll feel realer than any of my imaginations I love to plant in your head. Fight or flight to stay alive and stay safe, right?! No, I am not about (that) life. I’ll let you run from the things that are most dear to you. Cause I can’t be there when you fall in love. xoxo fear.
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” ― Marianne Williamson, A Return to Love
Here are ten things I am scared of, let’s get vulnerable shall we. Cause fear is a liar. The right fear is meant to empower you. Empower you to fight for life, which indeed might mean ‘get the heck out of this place I am in right now’. But the paralyzing fear that holds you back, she is a liar. And I am pretty done with her. Especially in this Halloween decor right now. The paralyzing death of the life we could live, the relationships we could have, and the life we could enjoy.
1. I am scared to be out there
I want to stay hidden. I am scared to write this list. I am scared to be vulnerable. It takes some freaking courage to stand up and be out there in the world. To announce to the room, hey here I am and my story is worthy to be listened to, I am worthy to be looked at. Cause who am I, right?! Yeah who I am not. I am freaking … *insert name*. I am that person God dreamed me up to be.
It is scarier to stay hidden than to be out there. It is scarier in the back of the room than in front of the faces. Why? Well, why not? Fear is the absence of love. And in front of the faces, I will fall in love. With people, life, adventure and so much more. What about the faces that will yell at me the most awful things? You scare the hell out of them. Let’s scare them a bit more, so they have plenty of room to let love in. Their yelling is not saying your fears were right. The yelling doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. The yelling means you are right where you should be. They don’t know who you are, so they can’t break you.
2. I am scared to let people in
I am scared to get hurt. Legit why are we afraid of hurt and pain. It is not part of our identity or our blueprints. It doesn’t belong in our bodies. They are like toxins that need to get out of our system, right?! Well, let’s get the hurt out of our system. We only can do that by acknowledging it, facing it, feeling it, and getting it out. Crying helps tons. And giving it time and a lot of grace. But when you walk away from people, holding them in distance, you are robbing yourself of life. Of love. Of the real things in life. And that is way scarier. To live without them. And to go into the wilds of this life alone. We are made to do life together, we won’t survive on our own. We feel like the empty dead, and that needs to change. We are lovers.
3. I am scared to stand fully in my dreams
The weight of my dreams is one thing. But to persist into them is another. To really go in deep, go into the impossibles and not pretend our day by day is good for now. To stop stating; one day, one day, in the future. No, the future is now. Stand in your dreams. Sure it might take years and years to fulfil them, but stand in your dreams. Visualize them deeper and deeper. Research on them. Till they feel more familiar than the few lines of words you have hidden in one of your drawers. The familiar takes away our fear right. Let’s get familiar with our dreams. Let’s get familiar with truth. Let’s get familiar with real living.
4. I am scared to be fully me
Do you love yourself? I do! That was a process, yes. I adore our ten ways to love yourself articles in which peeps invite you into their process. They are sooo powerful. I think loving yourself is step one, in being fully you. And trusting yourself might be step two. But dang I don’t trust myself always. I pretend to say, I know myself so I don’t trust me. But dang, I am scared to trust myself cause I fail myself time after time and honestly I don’t always hold on ends with myself. Stupid right, cause I wouldn’t do that to someone else. We need to trust ourselves. Get in tune with our hearts. Ask our hearts daily, how are you doing love? And when you betray yourself in the things you believe in, ask yourself why you did it. Give yourself grace over and over. Forgive yourself over and over. And make a habit of doing the things that are best for you. Don’t go the easy route, go the right one. Stay true to yourself. Gain your own trust again. Bye fear holding those mistrusted lies above my head.
5. I am scared to leave everything behind
To fully surrender is quite something right. I am a stubborn kid. And I am not that great in surrendering at every simple thing in my days. It is very very foolish to fight God. And I won’t fight Him anymore. But being obedient in the tiny things. Or in the things I don’t like and surely will cost me something. Is quite hard. To get out of bed early. To not eat that cookie. To do life not close to family. You name it. God gives so much grace in the seasons. And sometimes we just need to be obedient. And fight through it WITH God. I know that when the time is right, it is okay to leave things behind. And it is okay to grieve them.
6. I am scared for the unknown
Even though I love love love the mysterious. I don’t want to know about the unknown hurt, pain, loss, and ongoing battles. But there is grace in the seasons. God is by my side. One step at the time. He got us. Strengthening us. His presence in new dimensions. His love overflowing in new outpourings. The places of our hurt, of our battlefields, will be gardens for His outpouring and dang will He do it, restorations for the nations.
7. I am scared of losing my loved ones
It is funny I used to be really scared of dying as a kid. In the sense, I didn’t dare to go to sleep, cause I was afraid I wouldn’t wake up anymore. But through the things life threw at me, and being so secure God will push through in those moments. And the countless times the devil whispered, I will kill you when you do that, I am no longer scared of dying myself. He can’t kill me, he doesn’t have that power, and I won’t surrender that power to him. And even when I one day will die I’ll be in Heaven which is real deal living. I am not scared of dying but I am scared of all the little things life throws at me. To really live that is flipping scaring.
But the thing I am really scared of is losing my loved ones. To no longer have them around me. To see them suffer. To see them in pain. I know God carries them. And I get to celebrate their lives. And I get to mourn their lives in celebration as well. Surrendering and allowing to feel the feels with God. Fear will rob me of being in the present with them honestly. What if instead we intentionally go and actually do the things we want to do with that person. What if we intentionally say the things we want to say to them and what we want them to know. That second of being uncomfortable is nothing compared to not having said those things.
8. I am scared of the opinions of others
I am often too aware of my own presence. Too aware of my words. Instead of intentionally choosing them full love to encourage the room, I hide my words and my presence and in the end me. Cause I am scared of the thoughts of others. I don’t have influence on the opinions of others and that drives me crazy. Control freak, anybody?! I hate the fact that people have strong opinions about me not studying. Me not having a cooperate job. Me not having my own house in the neighbourhood. Me not living together with a fella. People sometimes utter dissappointing ohs, being worried about me, and sometimes even actually thinking something is wrong with me. Only because it doesn’t fit into their picture. It actually is true that the things people say often say more about them, than about you.
So, why do I still care of the opinions of man? Why do I still look up at people? Cause I care for people. But I shouldn’t fear them. I should plainly love them. What if we weren’t driven by fear, but driven by love. What if we truly saw the person in front of us, instead of our fears.
9. I am scared to admit that I am wrong
Oh hi, pride. Can you just shut up for once, and let me be humble. I am wrong about life all the time. I am wrong about myself all the time. (cause I am way more fabulous than I dare to admit, cause ‘evidence’ tells me otherwise.) I am wrong in my fights with my loved ones all the time. I am wrong about seeing the little things and not the full potential of things. Acting upon little fears. Little lies. I am wrong all the time. And that is why I need God so badly. Cause I am wrong. So. Many. Times. And I need Him. Him.
10. I am scared to not live to my full potential
But what am I scared of most, in a stupid paralyzing way is not leaving a legacy, not pushing all outside what is flowing inside of me. To not push out all the dreams. To not change anything at all. That fear, is holding me back, cause it drowns me in overwhelming pieces. One day at the time I need to show up, and ask God, what shall we do today? I am scared of my beauty. Terrified by it. Cause showing beauty is vulnerable and it takes pressure. Just like gorgeous diamonds, right?! Thank God, God is in control. And I just need to show up. Really show up. In my beauty. And in the mission of the day. Just my mission. Nothing else. And love overflowing.
This list was very therapeutic to write actually, go write your own ten things I am scared of list. Maybe make it a habit of every halloween. And let’s say bye bye to those fears. Let’s do one thing that scares us each day, and be fearless. Dang so much love that will spread from that place.
Lots of love,